Would You Speak to Another Mum Like That?

I was a new mum, and mumming was hard.

Actually, let’s be honest: being a mum is hard.

Being a working mum is hard. Being a stay-at-home mum is hard. Going back to work is hard. Not going back to work is hard.

Trying to remember library day, sports uniforms, lunchboxes, appointments and whether your child has eaten anything today that isn’t beige is hard.

And whichever path you take, someone will probably have an opinion about it.

Because mums get judged.

We get judged for working too much and judged for not working enough.

We’re too strict or too soft.

Too involved or not involved enough.

We feed them the wrong things, allow too much screen time, don’t organise enough activities — or organise so many activities that apparently we’re overscheduling them.

There is no winning.

But somewhere among all that judgement, something even more damaging can happen.

We start judging ourselves.

The Comparison Trap

You look at another mum who appears to have everything together.

Her children are beautifully dressed. Her house looks immaculate. She has somehow packed nutritious lunches, exercised, answered her emails and remembered it was Book Week without discovering it at 8:47pm the night before.

Meanwhile, you’ve overflowed the laundry sink trying to multitask.

And then the comparisons begin.

Why can’t I be as organised as her?

Why does everyone else seem to manage this better than I do?

Why am I struggling when she makes it look so easy?

Maybe I’m just not very good at this.

Boom.

Right there.

That’s the moment.

Those words that just fell out of your mouth (or quietly ran through your mind...)

Would you ever say them to another mum?

Would You Say That to Her?

Would you look at a tired woman trying to balance work, family, relationships, washing, school notices, appointments and the never-ending mental checklist and tell her she wasn’t doing enough?

Would you tell her she was failing because today was messy?

Would you decide that one difficult morning, forgotten permission slip or drive-through dinner made her a bad mother?

Of course you bloody wouldn’t.

You’d probably tell her she was doing an incredible job.

You’d remind her that nobody has it together all the time.

You might offer her a coffee, a hug, a wine or simply the reassurance that she isn’t alone.

You'd give her context.

Compassion.

Perspective.

So why is it so difficult to offer that same kindness to ourselves?

We Never See the Whole Picture

The truth is, we rarely know what is happening behind the scenes in somebody else’s life.

We compare our whole messy internal world; the exhaustion, the guilt, the arguments, the washing pile and the mornings when absolutely nobody can find their shoes… with the tiny piece of somebody else’s world we can see.

We notice their strengths while magnifying our own perceived shortcomings.

The mum who always looks polished might have cried in the car that morning.

The mum with the beautifully behaved children might be carrying an enormous amount of worry.

The mum who seems to balance her career and family effortlessly may lie awake at night wondering whether she is giving either of them enough.

The smiling family photo doesn't show you the argument five minutes before it.

The tidy kitchen doesn't show you the room where everything was shoved before someone came over.

The promotion announcement doesn't show you the self-doubt that came with it.

We all have our things.

Some are simply easier to hide than others.

Motherhood Isn’t a Competition

There is no perfect mum waiting at the finish line with a spotless house, an empty washing basket and children who have never eaten cereal for dinner.

There are simply mums doing their best.

Mums loving fiercely, learning constantly and occasionally wondering whether everyone else received an instruction manual they somehow missed.

Some days, you will feel like you’ve nailed it.

Other days, you’ll be standing in the kitchen wondering why you walked in there while somebody calls:

“Muuuuum!”

from another room.

Both versions of you are still a good mum.

Perhaps the goal isn’t to become perfect.

Perhaps it is to stop expecting perfection from a woman who is already carrying so much.

Speak to Yourself Like Someone You Love

The next time that critical voice appears, catch the sentence.

Listen to what it is saying.

I'm useless.

I'm a terrible mum.

Everyone else can handle this.

Why can't I?

Then ask yourself:

Would I say this to another mum?

Would I say it to my sister?

My best friend?

A woman sitting beside me at school drop-off who looked as though she needed someone to tell her she was doing okay?

If the answer is no, perhaps it doesn’t deserve to be said to you either.

That doesn't mean we can't acknowledge when we've stuffed something up.

It doesn't mean we don't try to do things differently tomorrow.

Wanting to improve and tearing yourself apart are not the same thing.

You deserve the same patience you give your children.

The same understanding you offer your friends.

The same compassion you so freely give everyone else.

Being a mum is hard enough without becoming your own harshest critic.

And for the record?

You’re probably doing far better than you think.

And if dinner tonight happens to be beige...

There's always tomorrow. ❤️